matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
