I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
