I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
