you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize