I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
