some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
