anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
