y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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