??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
