I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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