bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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