i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
