Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
