I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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