I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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