saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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