your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize