Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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