i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
