Non-Jews are for practice
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
