Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So many bounce houses so little time
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
