I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
