3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
