Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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