I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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