It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
