Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
