Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
