Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
