What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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