I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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