So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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