I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
