Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
