Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize