I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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