My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
