all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
