I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How does one acquire holy water?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
