I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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