Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
