I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She needs sedatives and a leash
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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