Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
