I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
