Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
