You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
