I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
