Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
