and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's like iHOP with fire
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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