I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
