I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
