i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
