I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
