I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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