omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
