After last night, I could never be a politician.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
