is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
