Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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