I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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